Your "Inner Truck Drivers"

Ever feel like you’re actually living two different lives? Or, said differently, have you ever felt like you’re NOT living a life that, perhaps, you should be living? I’m not talking about having different personalities or moral positions, rather, multiple purposes and aspirations. I get this sensation all the time. I often feel like I’m competing with myself for how I spent my own time. Sometimes I think my mind is a truck’s cab with two drivers, both taking turns steering the cargo of my thoughts in their own desired directions. While they don’t argue, each driver takes a different course when it’s his turn. They don’t seem to agree about how to get to where I’m going.

Each moment can trigger a change of the drivers. When I’m about to do or say something, interact with someone, or make a decision, the drivers contemplate switching seats and a course correction. One of these drivers seems to have much more time at the wheel than the other and the result is predictable. One driver gets frustrated with inactivity while the other becomes tired and burnt out.

I’ve given names to my drivers. For simplicity sake, “Ty”, is the husband, father, son and friend. When Ty is driving I get up, go to my regular 8 to 10-hour job, answer to a boss, request time off, get a paycheck, and come home. This is the guy with the gorgeous wife and 2.9 kids, a hefty mortgage to pay, yard work to do, a list of honey-do’s awaitin’, and hang out buddies to spend time with. This part of me worries about how much is spent, how well I’m providing, and how to out-do my last romantic gesture for my bride. When I’m living the life of Ty, I go to church, rough-house with my kids, watch TV shows & movies, and eat too much of my wife’s fantastic cooking. I’m a family guy…no different than any other.

When Ty, isn’t driving, “Tyed Art” is. This trucker is the very embodiment of the phrase, “Me, Incorporated.” Depending on the day, I’ve could also refer to this driver as the entrepreneur, LittleLDS, business, or ambitious driver. This driver is tenacious. Tyed Art only drives when it’s convenient to do so. He only drives during Ty’s down-time, or when special scheduling arrangements have been made. It’s during the hours of this driver’s navigation that I find my time slipping away effortlessly. It’s during this time that I feel empowered by doing something I know I’m good at. While Tyed Art drives, I only spend Tyed Art money. I act like the person I wish I was. I’m bolder, riskier, and certainly more sophisticated. When Tyed Art drives, my moods don’t fluctuate as much either. If given the chance, this driver would ALWAYS have me in my home office working on my projects. I get consumed by it.

This perspective is a little weird, I know.

But don’t we all have a life that we’re NOT living? A life that we always either talk about living, or just dream about living? Although I’d felt this way many times, I’d never really analyzed it until I heard someone else express it in words. Steven Pressfield, author of The Legend of Bagger Vance, puts it this way in another book entitled The War of Art:

“Most of us have two lives; the life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands resistance. …Late at night, have you experienced a vision of the person you might become, the work you could accomplish, the realized being you were meant to be? Are you a writer who doesn’t write? A painter who doesn’t paint? An entrepreneur who never starts a venture? Then you know what resistance is.”

Unless you have a strong tolerance for harsh language, I don’t recommend you actually read that book though. It’s unfortunate because the net result from the book is VERY positive. Anyway…
Although I inherently know where each time-consuming activity belongs on the totem pole of priorities, I’m still hounded by the desire to fulfill my cravings for success, recognition, and accomplishment. Reconciling the two routes is an ongoing challenge. I think the key is to develop a gradual and harmonious merge of the two. Just like two different drivers, I think they can co-exist, but they can never simultaneously drive. I think those who are doing what they LOVE (for a living) are blessed to have inner truck-drivers who are in agreement about where their cargo is headed and how to get there. No matter who’s driving, they’re still heading in the same direction. That balance is my goal.